Reflections after Valentines Day

Many have commented and liked my Valentines Facebook status from last night – ”Just continued a 27 year old Valentines tradition. Meredith and I go to the store…pick out the cards…exchange them and put them back…Hey…we were broke when we met and couldn’t afford the cards…Now it’s just romantic and fun”. So far 29 people have “liked” that status and 15 comments have been made. Everyone seems to think it is cute and/or romantic with one response being “By far the best post ever!” but the 27 years have not always been fun and they have certainly not been easy.  I often tell people that Meredith and I have been happily married for 18 years and we are celebrating 27 in May.

We have been through a lot in that 27 years. There have been times when one or both of us wanted to quit and there were times when staying together was the easiest decision of the day. In the last 27 years we have dealt with anger, we have called each other names, we have gone behind each others backs, we have yelled, we have sabotaged each other, we have ignored each other when we heard the other one calling. We have struggled with finances, we have moved from a 4 bedroom house in the county into a 2 bedroom apartment in a rat-hole of a complex. We have worked through rebellious kids, infidelity on both sides and crisis. There have been times of intense hatred and blissful love. There have been times when both of us have said “I can’t go on…it is hopeless…there is no recovering from this”.

We have been separated and we have drawn up divorce papers. We knew it was over, I wanted it and Meredith had accepted it. But God (my two favorite words in the Bible) had a different plan for us, and He has a different plan for you.  Over the last year our hearts have broken as we have seen friends and family go through painful divorces. None of the reasons have been outside of the same experiences that Meredith and I have used…infidelity, finances, hatred, rebellious kids and I just don’t feel like being married anymore.

I know that many of you are hurting and many marriages are on the brink of disaster. You feel like quitting or have already given up. I beg of you…please don’t quit. Please don’t walk away. Hang in there…don’t create permanent solutions for a temporary crisis. You may not like your spouse…you may even hate your spouse right now. It will get better.

We all have heard that our kids will recover and they will understand…but often that is a lie we tell ourselves to justify our behavior. I cannot tell you the number of people that we work with who have told us that their downward spiral began with their parents getting divorced. We used that line ourselves. Your kids will be deeply affected and hurt through this.

My experience has shown that when I feel like I am ready to walk away is when I am most focused on myself. That is not love. That is not what I committed to. I committed to love and serve my wife sacrificially and she has committed to respect and serve me in the same manner. If we focus on the needs of our spouses and commit to walk through our marriage as servants…God will heal what has been broken. Feelings are only temporary and will change.

I often wonder what our lives would have turned out like if we had followed through on the divorce. I had visions of freedom but I know I would have been lonely and the scars would have been carried for the rest of my life. Today, as I sit here writing this and think about all the work that we are doing through AtG, which we never would have accomplished if we had quit, I thank God that stuck it out. The thousands of families that now have hope to rebuild their lives, may have remained in their destructive cycles or have they may given up completely if we had given up also.

If you are living in what you believe to be a hopeless marriage. Please call Meredith and I. We don’t have a nicely packaged program guaranteed to fix what ails you and we don’t know all the answers, but we are willing to listen and walk with you. Don’t give up. Don’t walk away and know we are here.