I’m tired, I’m frustrated and I’m angry; but mostly…I’m heartbroken. I’m ready to quit. I love Christ with all that I am and want nothing more than to serve Him. I am willing spend my life for the sake of the gospel. Going to the lost and hurting of this world. But I have lost my faith in the church.

Our churches give us everything that we want. Beautiful buildings full of fantastic programs that teach our families all we could ever need to know about the Bible. We have great acoustics, comfortable seats and state-of-the-art electronics to provide for the best possible worship experience. We have all the room we need in multi-million dollar facilities that are cold when it’s hot and hot when it’s cold. We have avenues for great friendships and we belong to the family. What more could we ask for?

Our churches give us everything that we want…but little of what we need. Where are our leaders? Where are the ones who can boldly say with Paul “Follow me as I follow Christ”; Paul, a leader who was in the communities, spreading the gospel, changing this world. A man who was ridiculed, beaten and stoned, and yet he went on, reaching the lost and hurting for Christ.

Today’s leaders are so busy doing the business of church that they are not leading us in doing the churches business.  They sit in their corner offices studying, reading Scripture and books preparing to deliver yet another rousing sermon to those already in the fold. They hold meetings to build bigger, better program and attract more people. They have dinner with believers and make the social rounds. They visit those who are hurting, as long they are in the circle of trust.

The problem is we are following our leaders as they follow Christ. We too are so busy serving in the church that we do little to serve those outside the walls. We sit in our comfortable homes, reading Scripture and the latest books, preparing to discuss how they moved our hearts…but our actions remain the same. We give our time and money to the latest programs designed to bring people into the church, instead of going to our communities. We have dinner with believers and make the social rounds. We are there for those who are hurting, as long they are in our small group.

It’s time for a change. It’s time for our leaders to move outside the walls. It’s time for us to minister to the down and out…and stop trying to attract the up and in. We need to walk away from event based ministry and begin to build relationships with the lost and hurting in this world. It’s time to quit following the church and begin to follow Christ. It’s time for our leaders to lead, follow or get out of the way.

One of our granddaughter’s favorite songs is by Lincoln Brewster – God You Reign. Meredith (Nana) has it on her Ipod as part of her favorites list and it comes on regularly as she taxies Laura to and from school. It got to the point where Laura would climb in the van and say “God You reign Nana” so that Meredith would turn the song on and as soon as it was over Laura would say “play it again Nana…play it again.” Shortly after Laura turned two…we would hear her singing as she played in her room or walked around the house “God You reign…God You reign…forever and ever…God You reign.”

I stood in the back of a small room full of children sitting in plastic lawn chairs, a dirt floor, no A/C, electricity or running water. The kids were waiting for, what for most of them would be, their only meal of the day. Suddenly the song God You Reign rushed into my head, but the scene laid out in front of me didn’t fit into my normal view of worship…it was confusing to my comfortable American theology.

One week before, I stood in church singing similar praise and worship songs. The images on the screen made it easy to be drawn to a glorious God. A picture of a women, dressed in white, standing ankle deep in a calm ocean, hands raised in praise and an incredible view of the sunset. God You Reign makes perfect sense in this setting…it’s easy to see the glory and majesty of our creator and loving Lord.

These are familiar images to many of our worship songs; snow covered mountain tops, fields and valleys full of beautiful flowers and again, scenes of oceans and incredible sunsets. All the people in these scenes are dressed well in postures of worship and why wouldn’t they be? Isn’t part of our relationship with God spending time alone with Him in His creation? Don’t we find it easy to worship in setting like these? I know I do.

So standing in the back of this room looking at children waiting upwards of three hours for their only meal of the day with God You Reign running through my head was more than I could handle. I had to step outside; an emotional wreck. How could God reign in a village that has little hope? How is God reigning over the 26,000 children who die every day of starvation or preventable diseases? These thoughts and images are offensive to what I have subconsciously been taught.

The reality is – God does reign in these situations. You see, God in not the problem…the problem is with you and me. I am currently reading Radical (Taking Back Your Faith From the American Dream) by David Platt – he addresses many of the very things I struggled with. It’s a tough book to read – especially after returning from a mission trip to a third world country but I highly recommend it.

We ask God “where are you for the 26,000 children dying every day?” What I am learning is that God is look back asking us the very same question. You see, God has blessed us to be a blessing to others. His plan is for us to take Him to the world. We are His answer to the children dying of hunger and the 1.5 billion people who have never heard the name of Christ. Reality is – there will never come a day when we stand before God and He says “I wish you had kept more for yourself.”

God You Reign. I can’t hear that song anymore without thinking of those children. I no longer want a selfish faith that puts my comfort and convenience at the center of God’s will. God You Reign…and He has created us to be His agents to the world. God You Reign…and has called us to live a life of reckless abandon for the sake of others. God You Reign…and He has commanded us to spread the gospel to all nations by spending our lives for the good of other and the glory of God. God You Reign…and I want Laura to see her Nana and Papa living in a way that draws her into a life of radical service for Him.

GOD YOU REIGN!

Last week Meredith and I were in the Dominican Republic on a fact finding trip. The purpose of the trip was to find ways that AtG could partner with Servants’ Heart Ministry which has three feeding programs and their mission is to present Christ and break the cycles of poverty. Breaking the cycles of poverty is what we do, so our goal was to find ways that AtG could work with Servants’ Heart to break the cycles of poverty in the Dominican Republic. We came away with some great ideas and will work towards providing hope and healing to those being served but we also came away with some life-changing experiences. The next few posts will be called the Dominican Downloads in which I relay some of the experiences and how that affects our understanding of life.

“The Dominican’s are cheating. They are bringing older boys to play in the little league world series. They doctor their birth certificates and cheat to win!!!” Baseball teams from third world countries stack their line-ups with older kids so that they can win. That has been the accusation for years and I have had no reason to believe that they this wasn’t true. Nearly every year there is an investigation into some kid who is bigger, stronger and faster than the other kids and we demand that justice be served.

Justice? Ha…what a joke. “The Dominicans are cheating.” That phrase almost angers me now. I have learned that there are things in the Dominican that don’t fit into my nicely stacked boxes. According to the United Nations World Food Program, over 50% of children in the Dominican struggle with chronic malnutrition and thousands of children die every day…and we’re worried about a kid being too old to play baseball.

Now I am not advocating cheating or playing older kids, but maybe it’s not that simple. Last week, when it came time to feed the kids, we started calling out names on the roll. Many of the children sat their dumbfounded and didn’t respond. We got to the end of the list and there were still several children waiting to get their food so we began to try and figure out who was who. Because AtG was having a Q & A session with the parents, many of them were present so we asked them “what is your child’s name?” I was blown away – mothers would look at us and say “I don’t know the name – I say come here.”

We began struggling to find out basic information about these kids. Some of the mothers had no idea. They couldn’t tell us their names, how old they were or even the MONTH they were born…”I remember it was hot.” That helps…its always hot in the Dominican. Can you imagine not knowing the basic information about yourself? No name, no birthday, no birth certificate? The worst part is, without a birth certificate, the child will never be able to go to school and they are destined to remain in poverty; another life lost in anonymity.

So how does a kid like this get into the World Series? Some may know their info and cheat, but others go to the courts and get a birth certificate based on what their parent can remember and suddenly a child who has not had a name or birthday is able to play on a world stage, but more importantly they able to go to school. They now have a chance.

For many of us, a part of who we are is wrapped into our names. My middle name is Walter – I was named after my grandfather who was an evangelist and incredible man of God who committed his entire life to spreading the gospel – I feel a responsibility that comes with that name. I recently went to a funeral where a tribute was made to the man’s name because is meant something to be a Morgan. Last spring I found out that the nickname Mary – which I had called Meredith for nearly 25 years, really bothered her. After 25 years I find out she doesn’t like the name? I have a new one which she is fine with…but it took time to get used to, but the point is, names mean things.

I’m not really sure that I have big point to make with this post…just a reality that life isn’t as clearly defined as I think it is. My understanding of the world has been challenged. Reality is that there are thousands of nameless and faceless children who will die of hunger today. How do we respond to that? How do you look that child in the eyes and tell them that Jesus loves them and is calling them by name? That should bother me more than an older kid playing in the Little League World Series. We may ask where is God in all of this, how could He let this happen? I think He may be sitting in heaven, looking down and asking us the same thing – where are you, how can you let this happen?

As a child heard a lot about the preverbal cup; was it half full or half empty? I didn’t really grasp the concept of the cup, but knew it had to be pretty important because mom and dad talked about it a lot. Have you ever been around that really negative person? The one who always sees the problems and never sees solutions? They complain for the sake of complaining.

I recently had this experience while doing some non-profit consulting. The entire time I kept hearing about all the problems and all the reasons why they couldn’t be fixed; money, volunteers, location and community politics were all the enemy that couldn’t be defeated. Every complaint registered against the system should have been aimed directly back at the organization. They weren’t part of the solution…they were perpetuating the problem.

Now I have always seen myself as a pretty “half-full” kind of guy, but while reflecting on the trip it hit me that this has not always been the case. Although I am a pretty positive person, I often tend to focus on the problems, but rarely from a victim viewpoint. But this realization got me thinking back over my marriage and relationship with Meredith. I realized that where I place focus has a direct effect on my perspective.

When I first met Meredith I thought “WOW…she is HOT!!!” As a 19 year old full of testosterone I focused on everything that caught my attention and ignored things that I didn’t want to acknowledge. It was just a matter of focus which controlled the perspective. I focused on her “assets” which gave me a pretty positive perspective of her. As time went by my perspective would change depending on my focus.

As I began to selfishly focus on all the things that I didn’t like about Meredith; the physical changes, the loss of spontaneity, the lack of confidence in me and the constant nagging, we began to have major problems. My focus had changed to the things that I didn’t like and therefore…my perspective of our marriage was horrible. I couldn’t take it anymore…I had to get out. Sadly, I began to focus on the things about Helen that I wanted to see. Again, my focus controlled my perspective. I thought life with Helen would be perfect because I ignored the things I didn’t want to see.

Problems start when we choose to focus on the negative or when we focus on the wrong things. We have a choice as to what we focus on. Even today I can choose where I aim my focus. Will I selfishly pay close attention to faults and ways I’ve been offended or look for the good? Is Meredith perfect? Of course not…but neither am I. And I have learned that the focus I give is often the focus I receive. If I criticize and complain and point out faults I put a huge target on everything about me that needs to be changed.

I have also learned that there are things about other women that I CANNOT focus on. Let’s be honest here…I have learned to find physical faults, in other women, and focus on them. Trust me…it saves a lot frustration and keeps the thought process where it should be.

Now don’t get me wrong. I am not saying that we should stick our heads in the sand and just ignore the things in life that we don’t like. If that was the case, Against the Grain wouldn’t exist because I don’t like people living in poverty and having no hope, but my focus has controlled our perspective. We focus on our call, as Christians, to help “the least of these” and not ignore a problem that God has called Christians to address and – stepping onto my soapbox – We give critics of the church plenty to focus on. From an “outsiders” perspective…we are a bunch of hypocrites who find it fashionable to “talk” about the poor and impacting our world for Christ but in reality we are full of hot air. It would appear that our own comfort, convenience and security are more important than really living out what we say we believe. We focus on all the things God has done for us and all the nice fluffy parts of Christianity but don’t take our call to serve a lost and hurting with our lives that seriously.

Ok, I’m off getting my soapbox (for now) and getting back to our marriage. As Meredith and I began the work on the healing process my focus changed entirely. I focused on the problems that I caused in the marriage and what I could do about it. I have learned that when we really get honest about our junk, we realize that our “other half” isn’t so bad. When I honestly focus on my selfish behavior and how I don’t lead and serve my family the way I should…well let’s just say I feel like a pretty lucky guy to have the wife and family that I do.

Sidebar – We live in a horribly selfish world. Often, if something horrible doesn’t directly affect us, we ignore it. But if some minor irritant affect us, we can’t stop dwelling on it. We have it backwards. Even most counseling sessions are all about “me, me, me.” How are we supposed to get over our issues when all we do is focus on them? No wonder the divorce rate is so high. Here’s a little piece of marital advice. If you and your spouse are struggling, find a mission that the two of you can work on together. Go and serve somebody else. Take the focus off yourselves and meet the needs of someone who is worse off than you are. That has done wonders for our marriage. Sidebar over.

This morning as I was lying in bed, I told Meredith that she has given me a whole new perspective on the number system. When I met her…she was a 10 and she is even better today. I have learned that there are levels of 10’s…and she just keeps adding more levels. I think she is something like a 10 to the 10^th power now.

Today is our 26^th Valentines Day together. We have been happily married for about 20 years and have been married for almost 26. I wish I would have learned to focus on how incredible my wife is during some of those middle years…my perspective would have changed and I would be able say that every day with her has been a joy. But we both understand that God brought us through certain events for His purpose and we choose to live in response to His call.

Every day we make a choice. Where is our focus going to be? Our lives and the world are full of problems, some of which we can do nothing about. When we focus on our problems and how they hurt us…we have a poor perspective.  In every situation, we can choose to view the cup as half-full or half-empty…it’s just a matter of focus. So, are you going to be part of the problem…or part of the solution. That kind of depends on your focus?

Meredith and I bought a house two years ago. It had been empty for awhile and the inspector found no major issues but we knew it would take some work to the repair little things that just hadn’t been attended to. That was fine; I am a pretty good handy man. I learned a lot of skills from my dad and have a mind that understands how things seem to work. I am one of those guys that if I tear it apart…I can usually put it back together. I even owned a company that remodeled kitchens and bathrooms for several years. I am pretty good at installing tile, hardwood floors, drywall and I can hold my own with a paint brush. I can even handle most plumbing jobs and light electrical is no big deal.

A job that needed attending in our new home was the seals on the showers upstairs. Nearly two dormant years had dried them out and they were leaking. I replaced the seals, tore out the damaged ceiling, installed new drywall and began the mudding process. That was over a year ago. As of this writing, if you walk in my kitchen you will see an area approximately 3’ by 6’ that is covered with drywall mud. If you look out into the den there is a second area probably 3’ by 3’. These are the areas where I started the repair, but they still need a few final touches; a little sanding and maybe an additional thin coat of mud. I did all the other work, but I am the kind of guy who is great at starting a project and then leaving it unfinished. It drives my family crazy. I know how to finish both areas. I have the ability, tools and paint, I just haven’t done it and no matter how long I wait it doesn’t seem to be finishing itself. Knowing how to do it isn’t enough to fix my ceiling…work is involved. Which brings me to the point of this post; if application is missing…knowledge is for nothing.

So there we were, starting over in a new town where we would begin the task of rebuilding our marriage. The problem was we didn’t really know where to start. So we sought out answers. Over the next several years we would read a lot of books. We learned that there is no book that answers all the questions of marriage; each book just added another dimension or layer to what we had learned. We discovered our love banks, my needs and her needs, our love languages and how our birth order played into the way we operate as people. Each of these was helpful but there was no silver bullet that would kill the enemies of our marriage.

The other book we read was the Bible. We read all the standard things on marriage. We read the love chapter, did a word study on marriage and spent a lot of time in Ephesians 5. There were several verses on marriage that we had known for years but knowledge didn’t prevent the problems and wouldn’t fix the problems. Meredith and I had to do the work.  We had to be willing to learn how to apply what we were learning.

One of the best things that happened was when we got an invitation to hear a new author who was writing a book on marriage. He hadn’t published the book yet, in fact he was just in the process of writing it, but he wanted a small group of couples to hear his material and give some feedback.  We met one Friday night with three other couples to hear about this man’s new work. Surprisingly it wasn’t about his thoughts on marriage or some metaphor to explain how we accept and reject love; it was written about the incredible impact that Ephesians 5:33 can have on marriage. He told us about our roles in loving and respecting each other. His book went on to be one of the bestselling books in the country. Yes, the man was Dr. Emerson Eggerich and his book, Love and Respect, and ministry have had an incredible impact on marriages.

We learned that we were giving each other what we wanted and what we needed to receive. I wanted respect so I gave her respect. She wanted love so she gave me love. The problem was we had it backwards. As I began to meditate on this and the verses about marriage in Ephesians 5, I began to understand something about the human nature and nature of God. The preceding verses on marriage begin in verse 22.

Eph 5:22 Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord, ²³ for the husband is head of the wife as also Christ is head of the church. He is the Savior of the body. ²⁴ Now as the church submits to Christ, so wives should submit to their husbands in everything. ²⁵ Husbands, love your wives, just as also Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her, ²⁶ to make her holy, cleansing her in the washing of water by the word. ²⁷ He did this to present the church to Himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but holy and blameless. ²⁸ In the same way, husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. ²⁹ For no one ever hates his own flesh, but provides and cares for it, just as Christ does for the church, ³⁰ since we are members of His body. ³¹ For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. ³² This mystery is profound, but I am talking about Christ and the church. ³³ To sum up, each one of you is to love his wife as himself, and the wife is to respect her husband.

I had heard several sermons on this passage and remember, we had just come from a very traditional church. There was a book that had been passed around by the women at the church for the wives to read (Helen had actually given a copy to Meredith during our problems but I’ll get to that part of the story in a later post). This book described to the women their role it marriage; they were never to question the authority of their husband, should have dinner on the table when dad walked in from work and should never refuse her husband in the bedroom. These verses have been by many to turn wives into servants and give husbands the ability to rule as he sees fit.

As I meditated on this passage, and Scripture as a whole, God revealed a couple of things to me.

1. The root of all sin is selfishness. It dates back to the very first rebellion; Satan wanted for himself the glory and praise that belonged to God. That was followed up in the Garden when Satan told Adam and Eve that they could be like God; they wanted for themselves what belonged to Him. This is a pattern that is continued through Scripture. Moses proudly proclaimed credit for God’s provision, Judah slept with Tamar and David killed Uriah and took Bathsheba; each of these sins was based in selfishness; they wanted for themselves what God had not intended. The pattern continues in the New Testament – Judas sold Christ for a few bucks, Peter denies Christ in fear and the Jewish leaders killed Christ to keep their power. I have been unable to find a single sin that does not have its roots firmly planted in selfishness
2. Christ’s love is selfless. Christ’s life, death, resurrection and teachings tell us to serve others with a selfless love; we are called to Love our neighbors as ourselves, to spend our lives and resources on those who are the neediest in our society and serve others. Christ’s ultimate example was accepting a death He did not deserve to pay a price He did not owe. Someone had to suffer and that someone was going to be Him.

Now, let’s take those two pieces of information and apply them to Ephesians 5. I am selfish and my desire is to twist the Scripture into what benefits me (not just Ephesians 5…read the rest of the Bible with this understanding). That explains the books, sermons and practice that have elevated the husband to a position of authority over the wife. My life was an example of selfish behavior…it was all about me.  Now let’s apply the second part – if I truly love my wife as Christ loved the church than I need to be the one willing to lay down my life in this marriage. At night when we both are tired and the kids are crazy, I need to sacrifice. When we’re heading to bed and the kitchen still needs to be cleaned, I need to serve my wife. I need to sacrifice my desires and my life for hers.

But how do you truly serve someone you don’t intimately know? That brings me to the second understanding about Christ’s relationship with the church. Christ intimately knows His people. I didn’t need a book to describe what makes my wife tick…I needed to pay attention and watch her response while we lived our lives. I should have known what makes her happy and how she accepts love but I was too focused on me. She gave me clues all the time by what she asked for, what she complained about and what put a smile on her face.

Now here is the amazing thing. Meredith responded when I served her and in turn she served me. So in a weird way, I got my needs met by meeting her needs and she served me joyfully. I didn’t have to complain or moan or whine…her desire was to make me happy. Who would have thought that the way to meet my needs to focus on her needs?

So here is the first post with a little homework. I want you think. What makes your spouse happy? What do they ask for, complain about and what makes them smile? Is it when you compliment, serve, give a gift or is it a little more physical in nature? (Most of us men like that) Now I want you to spend time focusing on meeting the needs of your spouse. Shut off the computer and spend time with the family, clean the kitchen or go for walk…you know what they like. Treat your spouse like your dating again. A quick note for husbands – it’s no coincidence that Ephesians 5:31 says that we are to leave our parents and join our wives. I have talked to more women who are frustrated by the way their mother-in-law treats them. Stand up for your wife and put an end to it. Now that you have the knowledge…do the work.

CRAP!!! Now I gotta go fix a ceiling.

When I was a kid I heard that “the proof was in the pudding”. With a simple Google search I found out that this little proverb dates back as early as the 14^th century and it has been shortened over time from its original phrase – “the proof of the pudding is in the eating”. Either way, the message remains the same; true value is found when something is put to use or, an even easier way to say it is, results are what count. Well I can tell you that I needed to show some results…for Meredith and for me.

The first two lessons I identified later. It wasn’t like I had an outline of what I was supposed to do…I just knew that I had to become trustworthy.

The first two life lessons go hand-in hand:

1. You can’t force someone to change…they must do the changing.
2. The sign of true repentance is a heart that is willing to prove.

I had just spent the last few months literally destroying all the trust that Meredith had given me. She had tried all sorts of tactics that I would either manipulate (she didn’t want me to move out and I played with that knowledge) or would cause me to dig my heals in even deeper (bringing me lunch at work was viewed as attempts to restore what I didn’t want to save…it just made me mad). It became a constant struggle…she tried to save the marriage and I wasn’t willing to change…no matter what she did.

So I had to prove to her that the change I professed was real. I had to live out the character and integrity that she was willing to believe was in me.  I had to prove myself…no more secrets…no more lies…I had to be a man of my word. I had to lay bare every part of my life for constant inspection. So here were the ground rules:

1. If you have any questions…ask
   1. I will be open and truthful with any part of my life (including specifics of the affair).
   2. If you ever wonder where I am or what I am doing…check.
      1. You are free to call or stop by anytime…anywhere to check on me.

That’s about all the ground rules we started with. My life will be an open book and she had the right to inspect every page. I also put a couple rules on myself.

1. I will not be angry.
2. I will do whatever is necessary to earn her trust.

I gave her permission to ask…and she asked. There were many questions that I uncomfortably answered. She asked about my feelings, about my desires and even about some of the experiences of the affair; when…where…what was it like. I would answer the questions as tactfully as possible but many of the answers hurt her and I would have to deal with hours…days…even weeks of anger. I wish I could say those scares were completely gone after 13 years…but although the wounds have healed, once-in-a-while we still have to deal with a scare or two.

She would also check up on me. Most of the time it was done nonchalantly; stopping by work on her way to the store or a call to see how my day was going…I don’t ever remember her saying “I am nervous and am checking up on you” but the behavior was new and I attribute it to fear. She could have told me why, that would have been fine but her goal was not to hurt me…just to trust me. I don’t really remember how many times she called or stopped by to check on me and I wish I could say I completely followed the rules I had place on myself. There were times when I would get upset because I felt like the process was taking too long, but I had to keep my focus…be the proof.

One of things I had to be willing to do was move. We needed to get away. There were too many memories and reminders, for both of us and we needed a fresh start. The downside was I had just been recommended for and given an opportunity for promotion. Moving would mean a demotion out of management and back into sales. I would also be transferring to an established market with little chance of promotion…it was not a good career move but my family was the priority. I requested a transfer and we listed our house. Ninety days later, we closed on the house and the U-haul was loaded…we were driving towards our new lives.

I will apologize in advance for the length of this post. I have been working on it for several weeks and had planned on it being split into a couple more parts but Christmas was coming and life got in the way. As time slipped past I realized that I needed to finish the story and begin to focus on how things changed and how we rebuilt our family. So as Paul Harvey would say…now for the rest of the story.

We were finally going to have a date. A night when we could “act” like the couple we were imagining we could be but it was a couple of weeks away.  During those weeks there were two events that had a significant impact on Meredith’s and my relationship; thanksgiving and a meeting with our pastor. Both events had potential to turn towards healing but ended up tearing even deeper into our marriage.

Thanksgiving – My family has an incredible thanksgiving tradition. I come from a large family and am the youngest of seven children. As we have grown into our own independent lives we have spread out from North (Michigan) to South (Texas), from East (Virginia) to West (Washington State). To end the battle over Thanksgiving and Christmas with the in-laws (and out-laws) we have chosen to celebrate both holidays during the Thanksgiving weekend.

Mom, Dad, all seven of us and our families come together. We start on Wednesday and go home on Saturday. We rent a large facility somewhere in Tennessee (centrally located) and the Kendall’s invade the area. My family is very important to me but we are all very busy and, sadly, this is the only time of the year when I see or talk to most of them. Thanksgiving day we eat a big turkey dinner with all the sides and then after a good round of football games we gather together to celebrate Christmas with singing, exchanging gifts and end with a “year-in-review” session. Friday is full of shopping, games and some great conversations. It is one of the highlights of our year.

My family knew that Meredith and I were having problems but had not been given any details. I wasn’t ready or willing to face them, or the questions, but didn’t want the kids to miss the annual event so I told Meredith to take the kids and go without me. I scheduled myself to work extra-long shifts and then said I couldn’t get the time off. We talked a couple of times during the weekend and I regretted not going but the chances for reconciliation got worse when she got home. I don’t know what was said that weekend or the context, but she had told them what was going on and here are the high points of the report I got: my family had sided with her; she was welcome back to my family vacations any time, she should kick me out and I was even told that one family member said “she could do a lot better than me”.

I was crushed. I felt like my family had turned their backs on me. She said she wasn’t willing to take their advice and kick me out – “that will just make things worse and we won’t be able to work things out if you are not here”. I took advantage of that thought because I didn’t have anywhere to go but I didn’t believe there was much of a chance of working things out either. The result was that we would continue just as we were but I now felt alienated from my family and chose to imagine my new life without them.

The second event was when I went to the church. I had the day off, had caught up on some sleep and was thinking a little clearer about life. I had a lot of questions and was looking for some answers. I knew I was screwing up and my heart was a little softer that day.  I was wondering how I could find my way back and I went to the place I believed would offer some answers. I don’t want to dwell on what happened but I learned a sad reality that day; the church is often more interested in condemnation than healing.

So with family and church as part of my past, my next move was obvious; it was time to start over and focus on the future. There is a lot of freedom in starting over; you can become who you always wanted to be and I was going to be a new man. I was no longer going to be controlled by the mundane repetition of life. I was going to focus on the little things that made life…well…LIFE. Those old boundaries that had always held me back were no longer going to control me. No more Mr. Ordinary…I was going to become something.

A few days later Helen and I were on our date. It was exciting, full of secret meetings and dinner at an exotic location. Ok, maybe it wasn’t that big of a deal but it was dangerous…our first time together. We couldn’t stay in our part of town, so we rendezvoused in a “safe” location and rode together to a new upscale area of town. I put quite a bit of time into planning this date…it was going to be great.

I was looking good in my new cloths and even got some cologne, Meredith had always wanted me to wear cologne but I never did. There was a new restaurant and Meredith had wanted to…you know…like on a date, but we never made the time and knew we couldn’t really afford it, but this was the new Rob. No more of those old boundaries like budgets, Helen said she wanted to try that restaurant and so that’s where we would go.

Every part of that night was new and all of my senses were inundated with exciting information. The little things that had grown old with Meredith were new again. There was a smile as I put my hand in the small of her back as we walked to the table, the smell of a different perfume, even the food tasted better. Childhood stories were exchanged…I hadn’t had a night like this in years. As we left the restaurant she asked me to drive; she said it didn’t “feel right” with her driving. So we drove. No agenda…nowhere to be…no kids…no distractions…we just talked.

It’s amazing how quickly something new…starts to feel old. The conversation started to wind down and it was time for the date to come to an end and she had a sitter that needed to get home. We had gotten pretty comfortable driving and I had a choice; I could drive all the way around our part of town to get to my truck or drive straight through. It was late, around 11:30. All of our friends would be home with their families, besides, the danger of our date was ending…I drove right through the middle of our neighborhoods.

Suddenly…I saw the Youth Pastor’s truck coming towards us on the other side of the street. I was terrified. She was sure he hadn’t seen us but I watched as he whipped into an empty parking lot, pulled up next to a restaurant that had been closed for months and threw it in park.  He was supposed to be at a youth lock-in but had forgotten something and had run home to pick it up.

I was no longer focused on “the new Rob”. I had to get home…I was in damage control mode. Helen assured me everything would be fine, but the reality of the situation was choking me. I told her I was about to get kicked out and she said “if you get kicked out…come to my place”. I got in my truck and drove home as fast as I could. When I got in the house it was dark, Meredith was already in bed. Whew…the catastrophe was past for the night.

Then Meredith called my name. I walked back the bedroom and she was crying. Seeing her there killed me. The reality of my choices came flooding in. I wanted to console her and try to make things right but it was too late. She told me she couldn’t do this anymore and I needed to get out…IMMEDIATELY. I packed up a few things and drove around to a couple of apartment complexes that I had been looking at but didn’t feel comfortable sleeping in my truck. So I went to the only place that I knew would accept me…I spent the night at Helens.

The morning brought a harsh reality. I had to sneak out of Helen’s house before her kids got up and I had nowhere to go. I was lost…I was homeless…my “friendly” divorce with Meredith was now going to get ugly and my new dream life was suddenly a nightmare. One of the guys who worked for me had told me he had an empty room that I could use if I needed it. I moved in that day.

Meredith left it up to me to tell the kids what was going on and I tried to put a positive spin on it. I told them everything would work out, that they would see me a lot but they knew it would be different. I showed them my new place and spent extra time and money on them. I certainly didn’t want to hurt them and jokingly told them the benefits of divorced parents “Hey, you’ll get two sets of gifts every year for birthdays and Christmas, and if you’re lucky we’ll try to out-do each other”. They put on a good face and seemed ok, but they were hurting…I had hurt them.

Over the next few weeks I had a really strange Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde thing going on.  I reached out to Meredith because I didn’t want to cause her pain but I kept the relationship going with Helen because I didn’t want to be alone. The problem was that the damage had been done with Meredith and the dreams of life with Helen were now becoming a reality. The truth of the matter was becoming perfectly clear – my new life wouldn’t be much better than my old life…just with a different person.

It was now Christmas time and I was stuck between two worlds. The door with Meredith had been closed and sealed shut and Helen was out of state visiting family…I was going to spend Christmas alone. Then Meredith surprised me. She wanted me there at Christmas “Our marriage is over but I want us to spend our last Christmas together as a family”. I didn’t really want to face her but it was better than being alone. She asked me to come over Christmas Eve and spend the night in the extra room and the morning would be our last time together as a family. I stayed that night…and never left.

I can’t really explain what happened that Christmas day but being in the house made me realize how much I was losing. I had briefly seen my “other” life and the reality of it wasn’t that great. We spent the day as a family. I can’t say that it was much different from other Christmas’ together; we opened presents, we ate dinner, we watched football, but something was happening to me and Meredith seemed to like it. It was getting late and I didn’t want to drive back to my place so Meredith said I could stay another night in the extra room.

The next few nights after work Meredith would invite me over for dinner. We would spend time together as a family, put the kids to bed and then talk. We talked about where our lives went wrong and what we would do different if we had the chance. Every night we talked until it was late and she would let me stay in the extra room for yet another night. We talked about reconciliation but when I reached over to touch her hand she pulled away quickly. She obviously wasn’t ready for that.

I began to realize that the problem with my life was not Meredith…it was me. The desire for Helen and my dream of a new life was just that…a dream. I began to realize that nothing in my new life would be different unless I made it different. A question grabbed hold of me and wouldn’t let go without an answer – if I wanted to be a different man in my new life; why couldn’t I be a different man in my old life?

Early in our path divorce Meredith handed me her wedding ring and said “I don’t want this ring if it doesn’t mean anything”. It was now New Years Eve and she had invited me to spend the evening with her at a party. As the night went on she loosened up a little. She held my hand, danced with me and hugged me couple of times. I loved it and over the last week had begun to realize my love her again.

At the stroke of midnight, I took her hand, reached in my pocket, pulled out her wedding ring and put it on her finger. I knew it was a risk but I knew I didn’t want to be away from her any longer. She was shocked and from the look on her face I thought I had screwed up, but then shock broke into a smile and she began to cry. She gave me a hug and kiss and said she would accept the rings back. I moved back into our bedroom that night.

Now I am sure you all are wondering what happened to Helen. She had been out of state and we had talked some by phone but the calls were growing shorter and I found reasons I had to go. I didn’t want to tell her that things were different over the phone. When she got back into town she called and told me she was coming to see me at work. This was it…I was going to break things off and tell her that Meredith and I were working things out.

We sat in her van and before I could say anything she started telling me about her plans to leave Joe; earlier that day she had gotten applications for work, apartments and was considering going back to college. She wanted me to look over her applications when suddenly Joe was standing at her door. He was yelling at her and ran around to the passenger side of the van. I tried to lock the door but couldn’t find the lock button.

He whipped open the door, smashing it into the car in the next spot. He grabbed me and pulled me out of the van and slammed me against the side knocking my glasses off. I tried to tell him we were just talking and it was over but he was a man fighting for his life. He cooled for a second and Helen tried to hand me my glasses which he grabbed and threw across the parking lot. A couple of my employees came out and he shoved me grabbed Helen and threw her in the van and drove away. That was the last time I ever saw Helen.

She called me the next day at work and I told her that Meredith and I getting back together. She tried to convince me that we could work it out but I was no longer interested in her. She drove past the house regularly for a few weeks and tried to call several times but we wouldn’t answer and even called the phone company to report harassment. They told us that if she kept calling they would send a certified letter warning that they would cut off her phone service. Meredith answered the next call to tell her what we had done and she stopped calling.

So that’s the story. The next posts will begin to focus on what we learned about ourselves, marriage and how we put our lives back together.  It has not been an easy road and each member of our family has had to deal with my betrayal in their own way. I will end this post with the same thoughts I began the story – Meredith and I feel like it is time to be transparent with our experiences and if your marriage is falling apart or you’re trying to recover from the betrayal of an affair, there is hope. Let us know how we can be an encouragement and we will help any way we can.

In 2005 Eric Swartz, known as the tagline guru, had 100 leading advertising, marketing, and branding professionals rank over 300 tagline nominations. The goal was to find the top 10 taglines since 1948 (since the advent of TV). The winners were:

1. Got milk? (1993) California Milk Processor Board

2. Don’t leave home without it. (1975) American Express

3. Just do it. (1988) Nike

4. Where’s the beef? (1984) Wendy’s

5. You’re in good hands with Allstate. (1956) Allstate Insurance

6. Think different. (1998) Apple Computer

7. We try harder. (1962) Avis

8. Tastes great, less filling. (1974) Miller Lite

9. Melts in your mouth, not in your hands. (1954) M&M Candies

10. Takes a licking and keeps on ticking. (1956) Timex

Companies spend millions of dollars to create taglines like these. Why? Because words mean things; if they have a catchy slogan, you’ll believe it, remember it and you will buy their product. Words can create permanent impressions on our brains. We begin to believe that what we hear is true.

Likewise, the words we speak can create permanent impressions on the lives of the hearers. They may be spoken in anger or just joking around but the old saying “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me” is ridiculous. A major portion of our self image is based on the words that our parents and loved ones spoke about us as children. “You will never amount to anything” is a great way to guarantee your child will never amount to anything. As we get older, words still carry a lot of weight. They may not hold the same power that they did when we were children, but they are still powerful.

“I AM NOT HAVING AN AFFAIR”!!!  That became my regular response in our conversations, and I was right. I was not having an affair. There was nothing going on between the two of us.  But I was being accused of having an affair on a regular basis and with each accusation another wedge was driven between Meredith and me. Besides, there was no physical attraction and, other than being a guy, I wasn’t interested in moving this to a physical level.

After a month or so of this exchange Meredith clarified what she was saying. “You are having an emotional affair”. An “emotional affair”; now you’re just being ridiculous.  I had never heard of such a crazy thing and the clarification didn’t matter. The words “you are having an affair”, like a good company tagline, were already branded into my psyche.

Even if I was having an emotional affair, what was the harm? As I said, I wasn’t attracted to her. “You are looking for your emotional support from her and not me”. I denied it, but it was true, and why wouldn’t I? She encouraged me, complimented me and made me feel like I could accomplish anything. She respected me. It was a really nice change. Why wouldn’t I look to her for that support? What I didn’t understand was the danger involved in an emotional affair.

Somehow through all of this we continued to hang out with them, but things began to change. Like a lot of Christians we would hug when we saw them. One day the hug lasted just a little longer and Helen gave me an extra little squeeze at the end. “What was that” I wondered, she just looked at me smiled. When we all would be talking and there was an uncomfortable joke that could be made, we wouldn’t say anything, but she would give me a little wink. Once in a while, when Meredith and Joe weren’t around we started to flirt a little. Through that, Helen and I began to share a special connection that Joe and Meredith just didn’t have.

Occasionally the topic of our sex lives would come up between Joe and me. It’s not like we were bragging about them and we didn’t plan the conversations but once in a while something would be brought up. “Helen got a new nightie for our anniversary. Holy cow…she looks so good in it”. That mental picture didn’t help and little comments like that started to change the way I viewed Helen. Looking back, it’s scary how little comments can grow out of control.

Then it happened; the perfect storm. It was the “Fall Festival” at church. Meredith was in charge and running around like the preverbal chicken with its head cut off. Joe traveled for a living and was out of town and I had the job of helping with Helen’s kids so that she could work on the festival. As the festivities came to an end, I helped Helen put her kids in the car. There was a little small talk, a hug and a comment that led me to believe she was interested in moving our relationship in a physical direction.

There it was. The opening I had been wondering about and even dreaming about. I asked her “are you saying what I think you’re saying” and she responded “be very careful, I can be dangerous”. DANGER – now that sounded exciting for a guy in a hum-drum marriage. I ran inside and told Meredith I had to get the kids home and took off for the house. I needed to talk to Helen but knew I was short on time. I had to get the kids in bed and call her before Meredith could get home. Our conversation was short but it was clear that we were both interested in moving forward.

That conversation moved things forward at hyper speed. It had been several weeks earlier that I had moved out of the master bedroom and into the extra room but now Meredith and I were talking about divorce. Several times we sat at the table where we once shared family meals and wrote out our divorce papers. We didn’t want to hurt each other but we weren’t on the same page with our marriage. She didn’t want a divorce but was not willing to fight any longer.

At night after everyone was asleep, Helen would sneak into her kitchen and we would talk on the phone for hours. We shared all of the stories that Meredith and I no longer needed to share; our childhood experiences, our dreams and how our lives could be different. We began to develop a plan for the two of us. The problem was we didn’t have a chance to spend time together. So we made a date for a Friday night when Joe would be traveling. The night when everything would fall apart.

Thinking ahead through this week’s post there are a couple of housekeeping points that I realized should be made. First, I have named the other couple Joe and Helen (Joe is very generic and I don’t think I have any friends named Helen) and second, I am not going to get into a lot of gory details but will focus on the symptoms. Some specifics will be made for clarity and understanding, but the gory details were just a result of where our marriage was and were not the problem. That is a very important realization that Meredith and I have come to over the last 13 years…the affair was not the problem.  The affair was a symptom or end result of the real problem.

With those notes made, let’s get into Part II.

I have heard it said that if you want to boil a frog, you can’t just drop it into a pot of boiling water; the frog will feel the heat and jump out. You have to put the frog in a pot of cold water and turn up the heat slowly. The frog won’t realize what’s happening until its too late. Now I am not claiming to be a victim in this story. In fact, I will tell you that I am wholly responsible for my action and at any point in time could have changed the course. But like in every situation, there were several people involved and we all played our part. But back to the frog. The point is an affair doesn’t just happen all at once. If it did…we would see the danger signs and jump out. It happens slowly.

If you read Part I you understand that we were living a passionless marriage and, to be honest, passionless lives. We had our roles and we did our jobs. The church we attended encouraged the traditional family roles and taught them regularly, maybe not blatantly from the pulpit, but certainly in the men’s and women’s Bible Study groups, the examples of the leadership couples and the suggested reading list. Meredith was to have dinner on the table when I came home from work, she was not to question my authority as the “leader” of our home and the children were her responsibility and should be seen and not heard. Neither of us really liked the system but to go “Against the Grain” (haha) would mean social suicide. Our entire lives were wrapped up in that church and Meredith and I were not always willing to buck the system…that endearing quality came later.

So, as I said, neither one of us really liked the system, but it was the system. Enter Joe and Helen. They were another couple who attended the same church. They had a family very similar to ours. Over a period of time, we found many things in common and spent a lot of time together as families. They became the people that we had to share transparency with because we couldn’t keep up the game of charades with people who saw the “real” in our lives. We shared our good times and our bad. We shared our strengths and our weaknesses. We shared our happiness and our frustration. As we shared our lives it became clear that none of us were happy.

When you’re stuck in a place you don’t want to be…looking for any way out is a very dangerous game. Joe and I began making plans to go into business together. Our thought was…if the money got better, everything else will be better. We were obviously wrong, but that’s where we were. We discussed several plans and even did a few things to get the ball rolling. The problem was, the wives weren’t supportive…well, let me clarify that. What I heard from Meredith was “I don’t like it…this won’t work…you better not do this”. I felt like she didn’t believe in my abilities and that just ticked me off.  But I wasn’t looking for her approval because I was in charge in the marriage so I didn’t really care what she thought.  When I shared Meredith’s opinion with Joe and Helen, he said “well we’ll just show her” but Helen came to me privately and said “I don’t trust Joe…but I think it will be great if you’re involved”. WOW…a woman who believed in me. That was a nice change, but also the planted seed that quickly grew into an emotional affair.

It has been a few weeks since my last post. As you read the following you may understand why. It has been hard to write and will continue to be hard to write. My goal was to have this first post up two weeks ago, we see how well that went. I also plan to have my next post up by Monday…we’ll see if Part II is easier to write than Part I.

Many know our story. Either face-to-face, in group settings or in several news articles, we have had the opportunity to share the story of Against the Grain with literally thousands of people; the success in business, the Sabbatical, how God showed us the lies of the American Dream and called us to provide hope and healing to families who are struggling to overcome abuse, addiction and negative generational cycles. But there is another story. It is much more intimate and has not been made so public. A few have heard it, but most have not.  We have always believed this story would be told at some time but have not felt open to sharing up until now.

To be perfectly honest I don’t like talking about it, but who really likes sharing their deepest pain, their phoniness and their most egregious sins with the rest of the world? It’s much easier to keep everything quiet and let people believe what they will about your past, but Meredith and I have come to realize that this is a story that needs to be told. Not sharing was what got us into this mess and if we had not walked through these events, AtG may have never existed. It was looking back on this time in our marriage that made me realize that my “faith” had been nothing more than a comfortable lifestyle that fit in well with our friends and neighbors. I realized that I had been an imposter. Unfortunately, we often have to be totally broken and emptied before we realize how wretched we truly are.

Meredith and I have both dealt with infidelity in our marriage but this is the story of my failure. You may be wondering “why is now the time to share”?  We have always believed in being transparent with our lives but in the last few weeks, Meredith and I have had several opportunities to speak into the lives of people whose marriages are on the brink of disaster or individuals are recovering from a destroyed marriage. We have shared with them our experiences as a couple and how God healed our marriage. As we have shared with others, the response has held a consistent message – “you all need to share that story”.

So after prayer, questioning each other again and again and then talking it over with our kids; we have realized that now is the time. Over the next several posts, I will share our experiences with this promise…if your marriage is falling apart or you’re trying to recover from the betrayal of an affair, there is hope. We believe that God brought us through this for a purpose and it is our prayer that we can encourage and strengthen others.

It was in the fall of 1997. Meredith and I were actively involved at our church. By all appearances, we were a pretty good picture of a “Christian” family. We were at church every time the doors were open; I sat on a couple of committees, taught Sunday School, played on the sports teams, sang in the choir and was one of the leaders, for our church, for the Promise Keepers Bible Studies. Meredith and the kids were also involved in all kinds of church activities.

We had a well-defined system within our marriage. We were very traditional; I worked, Meredith stayed home with the kids. I mowed the yard, she vacuumed the house. I repaired the washing machine, she did the laundry. I took out the trash, she made the dinners. It was working for our family, but it was also killing our family. Our marriage had become a reliable system, but our hearts and emotions were slipping away. There were other “jobs” in our marriage that fell into the system and held no intimacy.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that all systems are bad. Systems can be good, but it can also be easy and dangerous to fall into a comfortable system. Systems can create easy patterns but can remove emotion and kill intimacy. Transparency can be frowned upon and appearances can become very important. It is also in our nature to make a system work in our favor. Selfishness can thrive in a system.

Relationships, on the other hand, don’t always have easily defined patterns. They are often marked by seasons that are effected by emotions and circumstances. Intimacy and transparency are required and can safely grow in a healthy relationship. In a loving relationship, selfishness dies and serving the other half becomes the priority. Our system wasn’t working and our relationship was dying.

As I look back I am amazed at the correlations I see between our marriage back then and our church life back then. I also see others who may be falling into those same systems. Like us, their lives are a series of rituals, traditions and patterns. They go through the motions but have little emotion. They become isolated while standing in a large group of people. Transparency if frowned upon because appearances have to be kept and the system has to work in our favor. There is no relationship with others and possibly no relationship with God…just a well defined system.

That’s where we were; a great example of the privately broken family because transparency and vulnerability were not acceptable. It was not acceptable at home or at church. We were privately going our separate ways and no one knew; not even us. It was at then that temptation knocked at the door and I ran through with open arms.