Every End is a New Beginning

I will apologize in advance for the length of this post. I have been working on it for several weeks and had planned on it being split into a couple more parts but Christmas was coming and life got in the way. As time slipped past I realized that I needed to finish the story and begin to focus on how things changed and how we rebuilt our family. So as Paul Harvey would say…now for the rest of the story.

We were finally going to have a date. A night when we could “act” like the couple we were imagining we could be but it was a couple of weeks away.  During those weeks there were two events that had a significant impact on Meredith’s and my relationship; thanksgiving and a meeting with our pastor. Both events had potential to turn towards healing but ended up tearing even deeper into our marriage.

Thanksgiving – My family has an incredible thanksgiving tradition. I come from a large family and am the youngest of seven children. As we have grown into our own independent lives we have spread out from North (Michigan) to South (Texas), from East (Virginia) to West (Washington State). To end the battle over Thanksgiving and Christmas with the in-laws (and out-laws) we have chosen to celebrate both holidays during the Thanksgiving weekend.

Mom, Dad, all seven of us and our families come together. We start on Wednesday and go home on Saturday. We rent a large facility somewhere in Tennessee (centrally located) and the Kendall’s invade the area. My family is very important to me but we are all very busy and, sadly, this is the only time of the year when I see or talk to most of them. Thanksgiving day we eat a big turkey dinner with all the sides and then after a good round of football games we gather together to celebrate Christmas with singing, exchanging gifts and end with a “year-in-review” session. Friday is full of shopping, games and some great conversations. It is one of the highlights of our year.

My family knew that Meredith and I were having problems but had not been given any details. I wasn’t ready or willing to face them, or the questions, but didn’t want the kids to miss the annual event so I told Meredith to take the kids and go without me. I scheduled myself to work extra-long shifts and then said I couldn’t get the time off. We talked a couple of times during the weekend and I regretted not going but the chances for reconciliation got worse when she got home. I don’t know what was said that weekend or the context, but she had told them what was going on and here are the high points of the report I got: my family had sided with her; she was welcome back to my family vacations any time, she should kick me out and I was even told that one family member said “she could do a lot better than me”.

I was crushed. I felt like my family had turned their backs on me. She said she wasn’t willing to take their advice and kick me out – “that will just make things worse and we won’t be able to work things out if you are not here”. I took advantage of that thought because I didn’t have anywhere to go but I didn’t believe there was much of a chance of working things out either. The result was that we would continue just as we were but I now felt alienated from my family and chose to imagine my new life without them.

The second event was when I went to the church. I had the day off, had caught up on some sleep and was thinking a little clearer about life. I had a lot of questions and was looking for some answers. I knew I was screwing up and my heart was a little softer that day.  I was wondering how I could find my way back and I went to the place I believed would offer some answers. I don’t want to dwell on what happened but I learned a sad reality that day; the church is often more interested in condemnation than healing.

So with family and church as part of my past, my next move was obvious; it was time to start over and focus on the future. There is a lot of freedom in starting over; you can become who you always wanted to be and I was going to be a new man. I was no longer going to be controlled by the mundane repetition of life. I was going to focus on the little things that made life…well…LIFE. Those old boundaries that had always held me back were no longer going to control me. No more Mr. Ordinary…I was going to become something.

A few days later Helen and I were on our date. It was exciting, full of secret meetings and dinner at an exotic location. Ok, maybe it wasn’t that big of a deal but it was dangerous…our first time together. We couldn’t stay in our part of town, so we rendezvoused in a “safe” location and rode together to a new upscale area of town. I put quite a bit of time into planning this date…it was going to be great.

I was looking good in my new cloths and even got some cologne, Meredith had always wanted me to wear cologne but I never did. There was a new restaurant and Meredith had wanted to…you know…like on a date, but we never made the time and knew we couldn’t really afford it, but this was the new Rob. No more of those old boundaries like budgets, Helen said she wanted to try that restaurant and so that’s where we would go.

Every part of that night was new and all of my senses were inundated with exciting information. The little things that had grown old with Meredith were new again. There was a smile as I put my hand in the small of her back as we walked to the table, the smell of a different perfume, even the food tasted better. Childhood stories were exchanged…I hadn’t had a night like this in years. As we left the restaurant she asked me to drive; she said it didn’t “feel right” with her driving. So we drove. No agenda…nowhere to be…no kids…no distractions…we just talked.

It’s amazing how quickly something new…starts to feel old. The conversation started to wind down and it was time for the date to come to an end and she had a sitter that needed to get home. We had gotten pretty comfortable driving and I had a choice; I could drive all the way around our part of town to get to my truck or drive straight through. It was late, around 11:30. All of our friends would be home with their families, besides, the danger of our date was ending…I drove right through the middle of our neighborhoods.

Suddenly…I saw the Youth Pastor’s truck coming towards us on the other side of the street. I was terrified. She was sure he hadn’t seen us but I watched as he whipped into an empty parking lot, pulled up next to a restaurant that had been closed for months and threw it in park.  He was supposed to be at a youth lock-in but had forgotten something and had run home to pick it up.

I was no longer focused on “the new Rob”. I had to get home…I was in damage control mode. Helen assured me everything would be fine, but the reality of the situation was choking me. I told her I was about to get kicked out and she said “if you get kicked out…come to my place”. I got in my truck and drove home as fast as I could. When I got in the house it was dark, Meredith was already in bed. Whew…the catastrophe was past for the night.

Then Meredith called my name. I walked back the bedroom and she was crying. Seeing her there killed me. The reality of my choices came flooding in. I wanted to console her and try to make things right but it was too late. She told me she couldn’t do this anymore and I needed to get out…IMMEDIATELY. I packed up a few things and drove around to a couple of apartment complexes that I had been looking at but didn’t feel comfortable sleeping in my truck. So I went to the only place that I knew would accept me…I spent the night at Helens.

The morning brought a harsh reality. I had to sneak out of Helen’s house before her kids got up and I had nowhere to go. I was lost…I was homeless…my “friendly” divorce with Meredith was now going to get ugly and my new dream life was suddenly a nightmare. One of the guys who worked for me had told me he had an empty room that I could use if I needed it. I moved in that day.

Meredith left it up to me to tell the kids what was going on and I tried to put a positive spin on it. I told them everything would work out, that they would see me a lot but they knew it would be different. I showed them my new place and spent extra time and money on them. I certainly didn’t want to hurt them and jokingly told them the benefits of divorced parents “Hey, you’ll get two sets of gifts every year for birthdays and Christmas, and if you’re lucky we’ll try to out-do each other”. They put on a good face and seemed ok, but they were hurting…I had hurt them.

Over the next few weeks I had a really strange Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde thing going on.  I reached out to Meredith because I didn’t want to cause her pain but I kept the relationship going with Helen because I didn’t want to be alone. The problem was that the damage had been done with Meredith and the dreams of life with Helen were now becoming a reality. The truth of the matter was becoming perfectly clear – my new life wouldn’t be much better than my old life…just with a different person.

It was now Christmas time and I was stuck between two worlds. The door with Meredith had been closed and sealed shut and Helen was out of state visiting family…I was going to spend Christmas alone. Then Meredith surprised me. She wanted me there at Christmas “Our marriage is over but I want us to spend our last Christmas together as a family”. I didn’t really want to face her but it was better than being alone. She asked me to come over Christmas Eve and spend the night in the extra room and the morning would be our last time together as a family. I stayed that night…and never left.

I can’t really explain what happened that Christmas day but being in the house made me realize how much I was losing. I had briefly seen my “other” life and the reality of it wasn’t that great. We spent the day as a family. I can’t say that it was much different from other Christmas’ together; we opened presents, we ate dinner, we watched football, but something was happening to me and Meredith seemed to like it. It was getting late and I didn’t want to drive back to my place so Meredith said I could stay another night in the extra room.

The next few nights after work Meredith would invite me over for dinner. We would spend time together as a family, put the kids to bed and then talk. We talked about where our lives went wrong and what we would do different if we had the chance. Every night we talked until it was late and she would let me stay in the extra room for yet another night. We talked about reconciliation but when I reached over to touch her hand she pulled away quickly. She obviously wasn’t ready for that.

I began to realize that the problem with my life was not Meredith…it was me. The desire for Helen and my dream of a new life was just that…a dream. I began to realize that nothing in my new life would be different unless I made it different. A question grabbed hold of me and wouldn’t let go without an answer – if I wanted to be a different man in my new life; why couldn’t I be a different man in my old life?

Early in our path divorce Meredith handed me her wedding ring and said “I don’t want this ring if it doesn’t mean anything”. It was now New Years Eve and she had invited me to spend the evening with her at a party. As the night went on she loosened up a little. She held my hand, danced with me and hugged me couple of times. I loved it and over the last week had begun to realize my love her again.

At the stroke of midnight, I took her hand, reached in my pocket, pulled out her wedding ring and put it on her finger. I knew it was a risk but I knew I didn’t want to be away from her any longer. She was shocked and from the look on her face I thought I had screwed up, but then shock broke into a smile and she began to cry. She gave me a hug and kiss and said she would accept the rings back. I moved back into our bedroom that night.

Now I am sure you all are wondering what happened to Helen. She had been out of state and we had talked some by phone but the calls were growing shorter and I found reasons I had to go. I didn’t want to tell her that things were different over the phone. When she got back into town she called and told me she was coming to see me at work. This was it…I was going to break things off and tell her that Meredith and I were working things out.

We sat in her van and before I could say anything she started telling me about her plans to leave Joe; earlier that day she had gotten applications for work, apartments and was considering going back to college. She wanted me to look over her applications when suddenly Joe was standing at her door. He was yelling at her and ran around to the passenger side of the van. I tried to lock the door but couldn’t find the lock button.

He whipped open the door, smashing it into the car in the next spot. He grabbed me and pulled me out of the van and slammed me against the side knocking my glasses off. I tried to tell him we were just talking and it was over but he was a man fighting for his life. He cooled for a second and Helen tried to hand me my glasses which he grabbed and threw across the parking lot. A couple of my employees came out and he shoved me grabbed Helen and threw her in the van and drove away. That was the last time I ever saw Helen.

She called me the next day at work and I told her that Meredith and I getting back together. She tried to convince me that we could work it out but I was no longer interested in her. She drove past the house regularly for a few weeks and tried to call several times but we wouldn’t answer and even called the phone company to report harassment. They told us that if she kept calling they would send a certified letter warning that they would cut off her phone service. Meredith answered the next call to tell her what we had done and she stopped calling.

So that’s the story. The next posts will begin to focus on what we learned about ourselves, marriage and how we put our lives back together.  It has not been an easy road and each member of our family has had to deal with my betrayal in their own way. I will end this post with the same thoughts I began the story – Meredith and I feel like it is time to be transparent with our experiences and if your marriage is falling apart or you’re trying to recover from the betrayal of an affair, there is hope. Let us know how we can be an encouragement and we will help any way we can.