As a child heard a lot about the preverbal cup; was it half full or half empty? I didn’t really grasp the concept of the cup, but knew it had to be pretty important because mom and dad talked about it a lot. Have you ever been around that really negative person? The one who always sees the problems and never sees solutions? They complain for the sake of complaining.
I recently had this experience while doing some non-profit consulting. The entire time I kept hearing about all the problems and all the reasons why they couldn’t be fixed; money, volunteers, location and community politics were all the enemy that couldn’t be defeated. Every complaint registered against the system should have been aimed directly back at the organization. They weren’t part of the solution…they were perpetuating the problem.
Now I have always seen myself as a pretty “half-full” kind of guy, but while reflecting on the trip it hit me that this has not always been the case. Although I am a pretty positive person, I often tend to focus on the problems, but rarely from a victim viewpoint. But this realization got me thinking back over my marriage and relationship with Meredith. I realized that where I place focus has a direct effect on my perspective.
When I first met Meredith I thought “WOW…she is HOT!!!” As a 19 year old full of testosterone I focused on everything that caught my attention and ignored things that I didn’t want to acknowledge. It was just a matter of focus which controlled the perspective. I focused on her “assets” which gave me a pretty positive perspective of her. As time went by my perspective would change depending on my focus.
As I began to selfishly focus on all the things that I didn’t like about Meredith; the physical changes, the loss of spontaneity, the lack of confidence in me and the constant nagging, we began to have major problems. My focus had changed to the things that I didn’t like and therefore…my perspective of our marriage was horrible. I couldn’t take it anymore…I had to get out. Sadly, I began to focus on the things about Helen that I wanted to see. Again, my focus controlled my perspective. I thought life with Helen would be perfect because I ignored the things I didn’t want to see.
Problems start when we choose to focus on the negative or when we focus on the wrong things. We have a choice as to what we focus on. Even today I can choose where I aim my focus. Will I selfishly pay close attention to faults and ways I’ve been offended or look for the good? Is Meredith perfect? Of course not…but neither am I. And I have learned that the focus I give is often the focus I receive. If I criticize and complain and point out faults I put a huge target on everything about me that needs to be changed.
I have also learned that there are things about other women that I CANNOT focus on. Let’s be honest here…I have learned to find physical faults, in other women, and focus on them. Trust me…it saves a lot frustration and keeps the thought process where it should be.
Now don’t get me wrong. I am not saying that we should stick our heads in the sand and just ignore the things in life that we don’t like. If that was the case, Against the Grain wouldn’t exist because I don’t like people living in poverty and having no hope, but my focus has controlled our perspective. We focus on our call, as Christians, to help “the least of these” and not ignore a problem that God has called Christians to address and – stepping onto my soapbox – We give critics of the church plenty to focus on. From an “outsiders” perspective…we are a bunch of hypocrites who find it fashionable to “talk” about the poor and impacting our world for Christ but in reality we are full of hot air. It would appear that our own comfort, convenience and security are more important than really living out what we say we believe. We focus on all the things God has done for us and all the nice fluffy parts of Christianity but don’t take our call to serve a lost and hurting with our lives that seriously.
Ok, I’m off getting my soapbox (for now) and getting back to our marriage. As Meredith and I began the work on the healing process my focus changed entirely. I focused on the problems that I caused in the marriage and what I could do about it. I have learned that when we really get honest about our junk, we realize that our “other half” isn’t so bad. When I honestly focus on my selfish behavior and how I don’t lead and serve my family the way I should…well let’s just say I feel like a pretty lucky guy to have the wife and family that I do.
Sidebar – We live in a horribly selfish world. Often, if something horrible doesn’t directly affect us, we ignore it. But if some minor irritant affect us, we can’t stop dwelling on it. We have it backwards. Even most counseling sessions are all about “me, me, me.” How are we supposed to get over our issues when all we do is focus on them? No wonder the divorce rate is so high. Here’s a little piece of marital advice. If you and your spouse are struggling, find a mission that the two of you can work on together. Go and serve somebody else. Take the focus off yourselves and meet the needs of someone who is worse off than you are. That has done wonders for our marriage. Sidebar over.
This morning as I was lying in bed, I told Meredith that she has given me a whole new perspective on the number system. When I met her…she was a 10 and she is even better today. I have learned that there are levels of 10’s…and she just keeps adding more levels. I think she is something like a 10 to the 10th power now.
Today is our 26th Valentines Day together. We have been happily married for about 20 years and have been married for almost 26. I wish I would have learned to focus on how incredible my wife is during some of those middle years…my perspective would have changed and I would be able say that every day with her has been a joy. But we both understand that God brought us through certain events for His purpose and we choose to live in response to His call.
Every day we make a choice. Where is our focus going to be? Our lives and the world are full of problems, some of which we can do nothing about. When we focus on our problems and how they hurt us…we have a poor perspective. In every situation, we can choose to view the cup as half-full or half-empty…it’s just a matter of focus. So, are you going to be part of the problem…or part of the solution. That kind of depends on your focus?