Meredith and I bought a house two years ago. It had been empty for awhile and the inspector found no major issues but we knew it would take some work to the repair little things that just hadn’t been attended to. That was fine; I am a pretty good handy man. I learned a lot of skills from my dad and have a mind that understands how things seem to work. I am one of those guys that if I tear it apart…I can usually put it back together. I even owned a company that remodeled kitchens and bathrooms for several years. I am pretty good at installing tile, hardwood floors, drywall and I can hold my own with a paint brush. I can even handle most plumbing jobs and light electrical is no big deal.
A job that needed attending in our new home was the seals on the showers upstairs. Nearly two dormant years had dried them out and they were leaking. I replaced the seals, tore out the damaged ceiling, installed new drywall and began the mudding process. That was over a year ago. As of this writing, if you walk in my kitchen you will see an area approximately 3’ by 6’ that is covered with drywall mud. If you look out into the den there is a second area probably 3’ by 3’. These are the areas where I started the repair, but they still need a few final touches; a little sanding and maybe an additional thin coat of mud. I did all the other work, but I am the kind of guy who is great at starting a project and then leaving it unfinished. It drives my family crazy. I know how to finish both areas. I have the ability, tools and paint, I just haven’t done it and no matter how long I wait it doesn’t seem to be finishing itself. Knowing how to do it isn’t enough to fix my ceiling…work is involved. Which brings me to the point of this post; if application is missing…knowledge is for nothing.
So there we were, starting over in a new town where we would begin the task of rebuilding our marriage. The problem was we didn’t really know where to start. So we sought out answers. Over the next several years we would read a lot of books. We learned that there is no book that answers all the questions of marriage; each book just added another dimension or layer to what we had learned. We discovered our love banks, my needs and her needs, our love languages and how our birth order played into the way we operate as people. Each of these was helpful but there was no silver bullet that would kill the enemies of our marriage.
The other book we read was the Bible. We read all the standard things on marriage. We read the love chapter, did a word study on marriage and spent a lot of time in Ephesians 5. There were several verses on marriage that we had known for years but knowledge didn’t prevent the problems and wouldn’t fix the problems. Meredith and I had to do the work. We had to be willing to learn how to apply what we were learning.
One of the best things that happened was when we got an invitation to hear a new author who was writing a book on marriage. He hadn’t published the book yet, in fact he was just in the process of writing it, but he wanted a small group of couples to hear his material and give some feedback. We met one Friday night with three other couples to hear about this man’s new work. Surprisingly it wasn’t about his thoughts on marriage or some metaphor to explain how we accept and reject love; it was written about the incredible impact that Ephesians 5:33 can have on marriage. He told us about our roles in loving and respecting each other. His book went on to be one of the bestselling books in the country. Yes, the man was Dr. Emerson Eggerich and his book, Love and Respect, and ministry have had an incredible impact on marriages.
We learned that we were giving each other what we wanted and what we needed to receive. I wanted respect so I gave her respect. She wanted love so she gave me love. The problem was we had it backwards. As I began to meditate on this and the verses about marriage in Ephesians 5, I began to understand something about the human nature and nature of God. The preceding verses on marriage begin in verse 22.
Eph 5:22 Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord, 23 for the husband is head of the wife as also Christ is head of the church. He is the Savior of the body. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so wives should submit to their husbands in everything. 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as also Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her, 26 to make her holy, cleansing her in the washing of water by the word. 27 He did this to present the church to Himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but holy and blameless. 28 In the same way, husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hates his own flesh, but provides and cares for it, just as Christ does for the church, 30 since we are members of His body. 31 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. 32 This mystery is profound, but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 To sum up, each one of you is to love his wife as himself, and the wife is to respect her husband.
I had heard several sermons on this passage and remember, we had just come from a very traditional church. There was a book that had been passed around by the women at the church for the wives to read (Helen had actually given a copy to Meredith during our problems but I’ll get to that part of the story in a later post). This book described to the women their role it marriage; they were never to question the authority of their husband, should have dinner on the table when dad walked in from work and should never refuse her husband in the bedroom. These verses have been by many to turn wives into servants and give husbands the ability to rule as he sees fit.
As I meditated on this passage, and Scripture as a whole, God revealed a couple of things to me.
- The root of all sin is selfishness. It dates back to the very first rebellion; Satan wanted for himself the glory and praise that belonged to God. That was followed up in the Garden when Satan told Adam and Eve that they could be like God; they wanted for themselves what belonged to Him. This is a pattern that is continued through Scripture. Moses proudly proclaimed credit for God’s provision, Judah slept with Tamar and David killed Uriah and took Bathsheba; each of these sins was based in selfishness; they wanted for themselves what God had not intended. The pattern continues in the New Testament – Judas sold Christ for a few bucks, Peter denies Christ in fear and the Jewish leaders killed Christ to keep their power. I have been unable to find a single sin that does not have its roots firmly planted in selfishness
- Christ’s love is selfless. Christ’s life, death, resurrection and teachings tell us to serve others with a selfless love; we are called to Love our neighbors as ourselves, to spend our lives and resources on those who are the neediest in our society and serve others. Christ’s ultimate example was accepting a death He did not deserve to pay a price He did not owe. Someone had to suffer and that someone was going to be Him.
Now, let’s take those two pieces of information and apply them to Ephesians 5. I am selfish and my desire is to twist the Scripture into what benefits me (not just Ephesians 5…read the rest of the Bible with this understanding). That explains the books, sermons and practice that have elevated the husband to a position of authority over the wife. My life was an example of selfish behavior…it was all about me. Now let’s apply the second part – if I truly love my wife as Christ loved the church than I need to be the one willing to lay down my life in this marriage. At night when we both are tired and the kids are crazy, I need to sacrifice. When we’re heading to bed and the kitchen still needs to be cleaned, I need to serve my wife. I need to sacrifice my desires and my life for hers.
But how do you truly serve someone you don’t intimately know? That brings me to the second understanding about Christ’s relationship with the church. Christ intimately knows His people. I didn’t need a book to describe what makes my wife tick…I needed to pay attention and watch her response while we lived our lives. I should have known what makes her happy and how she accepts love but I was too focused on me. She gave me clues all the time by what she asked for, what she complained about and what put a smile on her face.
Now here is the amazing thing. Meredith responded when I served her and in turn she served me. So in a weird way, I got my needs met by meeting her needs and she served me joyfully. I didn’t have to complain or moan or whine…her desire was to make me happy. Who would have thought that the way to meet my needs to focus on her needs?
So here is the first post with a little homework. I want you think. What makes your spouse happy? What do they ask for, complain about and what makes them smile? Is it when you compliment, serve, give a gift or is it a little more physical in nature? (Most of us men like that) Now I want you to spend time focusing on meeting the needs of your spouse. Shut off the computer and spend time with the family, clean the kitchen or go for walk…you know what they like. Treat your spouse like your dating again. A quick note for husbands – it’s no coincidence that Ephesians 5:31 says that we are to leave our parents and join our wives. I have talked to more women who are frustrated by the way their mother-in-law treats them. Stand up for your wife and put an end to it. Now that you have the knowledge…do the work.
CRAP!!! Now I gotta go fix a ceiling.